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I have never felt as much pressure to make something of myself as I do now. I realize I do not want to join the higher education and employment mill. I also realize I am not as feral as I think I am to break the mold yet. The only thing I can do is write. If you feel like you’re sinking with all the dead-weight of broken promises then this rant is probably for you. If you mind your own business and keep slugging away, maybe one day we will escape this harsh reality.

At least that’s what I think

1

My eyelids flickered open

It was dark

The familiar dark

I let out a sigh and shuffled off my pallet

My feet crept

Searching for my slippers

2

The piss streamed into the bowl

Clinking gold against the clear porcelain

Morning wood handily tucked away

I yawned

Bucket in hand to join the queue

It was mercifully short

3

I dunked my head with water again

It chilled me

Again and again

My skin was numbed

But my eyes smarted from lather

Oh what a bother!

4

I spied the clock

As I straddled the stool

The brush scrubbed merrily

The worn leather smiling with crowfeet

I buckled on my belt

And spied the clock

5

Tro-tro rumbling through my favourite music

Standing at the main gate so Elton the guard would wave me in

Pushing paper

Feeling the angst building up in my throat

Almost like the boil throbbing on my badly shaved chin

Another day flies by

6

Jostling against bodies

As I tighten my grip on my phone

Tro-tro rumbling through my favourite music

As my phone flickers with notifications

I trek the last mile home

All peace and music

7

Something more than this

I want it

A splash of colour staining the dour days

A glimmer of gold stealing through the doorways

I feel a lot of things

Lost when the preacher is on the radio

8

Angry when mama calls to split my pay check

Powerless when I have to join the queue

I don’t phone anybody anymore

I feel tired

But then how do you get tired from doing nothing?

9

Maybe I can try again

Face the sun with my skinny chest pouted

And a paunch which doesn’t reflect the belt it swallows whole

Maybe I will find joy

Because I grate my teeth

Baring them at enemies hidden in the dark

10

The familiar dark

I am fighting

In a cage

I am in a never-ending queue

My dreams

I leave them in the dark

11

Sometimes they grin through the worn leather; crowfeet and all

I burst out into laughter sometimes

She likes the way I laugh

Says it’s like Christmas lights in June

But I hardly do that anymore

Always grim

12

Sometimes I dream

That there is an eagle on my shoulder

Yet I am the eagle

Then my eyelids flicker open in the dark

The familiar dark

I burst into laughter

13

Victim

Hero

Villain

All that bullshit

Whatever the fuck I am

I am alive

14

While I am still

Unbroken

I believe

A splash of colour staining the dour days

Will happen soon

A tingle of excitement ridges my spine when I think like that

15

I sleep

Dreaming of women with toothy smiles and wild mango breasts

And thatched pussies

Slow dancing while I slip between their brush and pluck their succulent fruits

I wake to queues of pisspots lining the path to fame

And people drinking readily from them

16

Life is one moment for me

Push paper

Work

Whine and fuss

And when I get home and sleep and wake

Repeat

17

I feel like a rock perched on a mountain

And I gave shelter

Who shelters the rock in a storm

When it thunders and crackles lightning

Under the purple skies

I landslide into ignominy when they aren’t looking

 

18

I feel fear

Wetting my pants

The pungent smell of shitting myself is a nightmare

I hobble when bowel pangs tear at me

Lest I make it a public spectacle

I will die of brittle pride

 

19

Fuck it

I will make it

More than anything

Even if life is showing me the middle finger

When I do the things I love I will be happy

At least that’s what I think

© Sena Frost 2k17

 

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Sacking a Beautiful City

The ramparts shone

For many miles around

The city was a thing of beauty

The crown jewel of the country

It was a beautiful place

It was a holy place

It was where hungry warlords came to make peace

And slake their thirst for blood

It was a place of knowledge

But nothing lasts forever

And one day

This city would know no more calm

Already the dogs of war were baying
The ramparts shivered

The gates buckled

As they rammed it

Again and again

Perspiration rose in a fine mist over their heads as they heaved

The iron groaned in agony

As the invaders thumped again

The defenders would not be cowed

They spilled boiling oil from the ramparts

It gushed in the rain of arrows

So much so that

A feather pocked porcupine stood at the portcullis
The ramparts smoked

Black tendrils coiling into the sky

Over the din of clash of steel on steel

As grunts reverberated all over the city

They poured in through the broken gates

The invaders

The lust of the battle glowed in their eyes

As they hewed anything that moved which wasn’t theirs

Berserkers

They grew stronger as blood eddied in gullies around them
The ramparts fell

In gouts of flame

Clutching at the space they once held

The king all bloodied and weary

Stood before the invader

The invader smiled and laid his weapon before the king

He who had known peace

Was struck down in a clean sweep

Hacked by war

And as his guts spilled

The invader pissed on his yet breathing corpse

Just because he could

The city burned

Because

The invader did not have to worry about consequences

War brought wealth

And innocence was just collateral

But for the survivors of the sacked city

This was a box of memories

They held in their hearts

As shackles bound them

The broken sky wept

 

© Sena Frost 2k17

Rape and other forms of molestation breaks children in many ways before they are grown. Some scars never heal and like a sacked city, they carry the ghosts of an innocence that can never be regained.