Last night was topsy-turvy. I spoke to the love of my life. Beneath all the excitement I sensed the fear. The uncertainty. It was not helped in any way by the distance between us physically. On the surface not much had changed since we discovered we were romantically inclined towards each other (I did first). My litany is not to promise an error free love, but to show that love does not look for errors or doubts. To live in the moment every day and to falling in love with every breath.
I don’t know whether she sensed it too. I had my own fears. Would I be willing to commit over the distance? Will the lack of my physical presence force her into the arms of another? Would I look for “excitement” elsewhere to pass the time? I went to bed a confused young man. I was brimming with a love which threatened to leave me somewhere I’ve never been before.
When I woke up this morning I checked her last seen on WhatsApp. Then I checked her profile picture and status. I smiled and went through my morning rituals. In the shower I prayed. First for her, then for me. Then I prayed for my family and left my doubts in the bathroom. While I am afraid, my love is greater. For it is in the bible, I do not remember the chapter or verse but it says and I quote “No greater love than a man have for his friends that he lay down his life for them.” This passage does not always mean death. I realize it means love is bigger than yourself. I am not moving an inch. For the Lord will make me strong through love. Everything happens for a reason. It is not coincidence that two people separated by half a continent would fall in love with each other.
With each terrifying heartbeat, each devaluing fear, I am made stronger. In the face of our most pressing fear (ourselves) I declare that I love you. The best way I can show you is below.
I woke up this morning,
And I decided to skip work today,
I will do no paper mourning.
I sat before my mirror,
And stared at me,
A tweaked retrograde god,
And I decided to fall in love.
I watched the ants soldier on in unbroken ranks on my window sill,
And when they reached home their door doth did they seal.
I fell in love with the simplicity of their sophistication.
I stubbed my toe while sweeping the living room.
Rather than curse I marveled at my body’s emergency response.
And with a flourish I twirled my broom.
Whence I was done with my chores,
I stepped outside
And the sun kissed me good morning,
Loving rays from a white star.
And so it went
The day brooding,
The imperfection of food filling my stomach,
The minute cravings.
And as I lay down in bed today
I saw you.
With the high forehead,
And the hidden scars.
I saw you were afraid.
You did not have to speak it.
And in that moment
I loved you.
© Sena Kodjokuma 2014